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by Bushyeyebrows99
Summary: What Izaya has always known is that one is the loneliest number, and can only be paired with itself to make two.


**Summary: **What Izaya has always known is that one is the loneliest number, and can only be paired with itself to make two.

**Notes: **So for the record this is completely unrelated to anything I have done before. I had this sudden idea one day after listening to the song _No Children _by The Mountain Goats, which is about a couple that can't stand each other anymore but are still together. The idea stuck.

Originally, I either wanted to post this to tumblr as a draft or write this to be waaaay longer to really tap into the song but I know I have a bunch of other stories that I want to finish before this so I'll leave this as it is because I haven't been doing anything for months now and just need the momentum. So, yeah, you get this dogpile :P.

Alt Summary: Shizuo and Izaya want to be together, just that they don't know how to be. Shizuo thinks adopting a child will help, and Izaya doesn't feel like pointing out that it won't help. It won't.

* * *

In many ways, Izaya has seen this coming for years. Shizuo tries to be discreet, but he's really not good at it. And Izaya knows, even without sneakily reading into his search histories at 4:00AM in the morning, because Shizuo is as open as a book. So there was really no excusable reason for Izaya to have gone along with it this far. The only thing he can vaguely say is that he feels like seeing how far this could be pushed before it all came crashing down, likely with himself at the epicentre of all the wreckage.

Look, there was even the too-tidy lady speculating every edge of the house for some unseemly misfortune to dig up, not aided by the fact that they were both gifted with the same genitals at birth. Ha. Izaya hopes he one day comes up with a fail-safe plot to piss off all their friends - or they were really Shizuo's friends, or anyone who thought this was a good plan at all.

_Nice to meet you, Misters...Heiwajima-sans? My name is Naoko Uchida. _

Izaya doesn't wait a second to tune out of this. He knows the motions well enough. Knows that Japan has come a long way since the past but that didn't mean that people would come to accept it so readily when confronted. No, if there was one thing he knew it was that humans were always going to be wary of the unfamiliar. So, it should be no surprise that she'd act all stuffy and reserved upon first greeting, shooting questions left and right in the hopes of getting one of them to crack and probably reveal that they were secretly perverts and looking to adopt to diddle in children or something equally absurd and horrendous. Shizuo wasn't really helping in his nervousness and tripping over even some of the most fundamental questions.

_How was your family like, growing up?_

_Uh, normal enough._

_'Enough', you say?_

_It was average._

Izaya strains out a sigh.

_What my husband is trying to say, _he intervenes, _is__ that we've both grown up similarly, that is, without much incidence in our lives. It's all quite bland to sit through, really, though of course I far excelled him in areas concerning academics and social skills, Naoko-chan. _He winks with the expectation that she wasn't smart enough not to be charmed by someone with a pretty face. And she wasn't, as a light flush dusted her cheeks and she shyly tucks a strand behind her ear. He's not really doing this to help their case, really, he just wants to know how Shizuo will react. Predictably, he rolls his eyes.

He's getting really predictable these days.

_I see. Well, with your reputation, Heiwajima-san - _

_Please, you can call me Izaya._

_Ah! Izaya is too informal, at least let me use Izaya-san. And, I was going to say it's really no surprise for someone of your caliber!_

Sometimes it was too easy. Shizuo should count himself lucky that he had the world's best non-conman as his partner.

Slowly, Naoko grew more relaxed in their presence, though maintaining enough formality so that they were distant. Really, it was a matter of staying collected and at ease sometimes, something he knows Shizu-chan was not well-acquainted with.

_What's your biggest goal in life, Izaya-san?_

She shoots at him, going back to inspector-mode as she examines the paddings on the coffee table edges. It was something Celty recommended beforehand. When he and Shizuo were fighting, Shinra and herself would also say that it's darkest before the sun rises. He and Shizuo know that they're all wrong. Naoko really was persistent though, Izaya rather liked that aspect about her. The whole thing felt like an unwanted job interview, though he supposes it is. Parenting is the most expensive and least rewarding job on the market.

_Being able to help every human I meet._

Well, the best lies were always half-truths. Just like then. When Shizuo had asked whether he wanted a child.

_I wouldn't mind._

And he didn't, not really.

_Tell me more about yourselves, Heiwajima-san._

They met when they were within the same high school. Never liked each other too much. Almost hated each other. Sometimes, Izaya thinks they've missed out on a big opportunity. Hadn't seen each other for a year until eventually, they made it to the same law firm. Well, 'making it' didn't really count when one was only working there to scrub away the dirt of others from the ground, but some people had to make do. Izaya had never been the overly righteous type. So, while majoring in criminal defense, he probably has done more nefarious things in the eyes of the law than what half his defendants were accused of.

In fact, that was the very reason Shizu-chan was there. It's cute when he thinks back on it. Just a low-level detective snooping around the firm for people like him. It's inaccurate to say that Izaya's been working alone these past few years, because with Shizu-chan there he has never felt alone at all. he certainly never thought the blonde delinquent from high school would actually go out to achieve something. Although, it's hard to say he has achieved much when Izaya still got what he wanted in the end.

What Shizuo never knew, but briefly suspected, was that Izaya had a habit - still does, if he's being honest - with toying with information. He can't help it. He likes the unknown battlefield of the courtroom, the raising stakes, the unyielding clash of emotions and the intellectual play of words that goes on. It wasn't so much about uncovering the truth to him as it was about seeing how much truth could be turned against itself. If Izaya looked deeper into himself he may have admitted that he went on a power trip doing these things, and possibly have been able to pinpoint exactly why, but he figured there was nothing wrong so long as he got the job done at the end of the day. They don't pay lawyers to make the cases, they paid them to win it. And he always did.

It's been a weirdly sincere and calm two years since then. But they had a gruelling eighteen month process still ahead. Filled with more paperwork than he cared to do and more money down the drain than he's willing to burn.

As Naoko finishes her inspection, Shizuo remains as rigid as a board, stressed about what she'll say, no doubt. He's always been insecure about himself. About not being good enough. Izaya has said many times that he should be, years down the line Izaya thinks that he must be - he still can't find one good thing to say about him. Nervously, Shizuo squeezes his arm around his waist. He also, izaya notes, is humming a weird tune to calm himself down. It's something Izaya has noticed him do for many years, but he's sure Shizu-chan does not realise it himself. He feels like asking him what it is, but the thought of drawing attention to something that Shizuo so obliviously possesses feels a bit too intimate. As does this whole affair.

Izaya has always been the taker in their relationship. He's as selfish as they get, he knows that. He actively toys with the lives of people, innocent or not, under the deception of justice as if it were no more than a game, all just to serve his own lack of control over his life. Whatever he wants, he will achieve. In the past, Izaya wanted Shizuo, and he got him. Now that Shizuo wants a child, Izaya doesn't know what to do. He isn't sure he can bring himself to give back.

When Naoko smiles at them and reassures them that the screening went well, Izaya feels like he's been buried alive. Shizuo's smiling feels more menacing and downright _monstrous_ from where he's standing. Almost cruel.

For the first time Shizuo is taking something from him. But the thing is, Shizuo does not know that it's the one thing that Izaya has ever truly owned. Like everyone is made out of stuffed toys and years ago Izaya's ripped himself apart and burnt every soft stuffing of his except for the one bit he missed. And ever since he could talk he's been hiding it and surrounding it with rocks and glass to keep it buried deeper. And yet, Shizuo has reached in and taken it away so callously and unthinkingly that Izaya knows he'll be set ablaze by being so close to his warmth.

_So, what now? _ Shizuo says when Naoko leaves. He sounds somewhere off in the distance. The enthusiasm is not lost to Izaya, though.

Of course, Izaya will still smile. For now.

_We compromise. _

* * *

**Notes:**

Thanks for reading!

If anyone wants to know, the story was just supposed to be about the gruelling adoption process and how it drives them apart, ultimately culminating in Izaya revealing he's never wanted any of this. Wholesome.

Also, I swear this is the last time I write a story with them and children (well, there aren't any children in this), I don't know why I keep writing it when the idea isn't even all that amusing to me, at least, not to the point of doing it again :/


End file.
